A Risk to Others – Day 68: Zero in Bishop

Date: June 28

I wake up and grab breakfast with Rainfly. He pays for my breakfast which is sweet and then we have a nice conversation about the trail. Afterward I go to do laundry and the whole group is there. They’re planning the next section of the trail.
“Anything I can do to help?” I ask.
“No,” they say.
I listen to their planning and put my clothes in the dryer and then they all go and sit on the floor. I think this is funny, how hikers get so used to sitting on the floor that they avoid chairs. I sit in a chair.
“I think we need to have a talk,” Sole says. I already know what’s coming.
“We’re worried about you in this next section,” she says. “And we’re worried about Co and LiterBit exposing themselves to extra risk by having to help you so much.”
She says a little more and asks if I have anything I’d like to say. I say I think I’ve grown and learned a lot from the last section but I understand if they want to move forward without me.
“I think that’s what we’re saying,” LiterBit says. 
I say thank you for what they did to help me. They go back to the hostel. Rainfly and my clothes are still drying. He sits next to me. “I wasn’t sure if I should have said something earlier.” Ah. This is why he bought me breakfast.
We get our clothes and I pack my bag back at the hostel and we’re doing that weird thing where we’re trying to be polite and casual but it’s not quite working.
I start considering my options. I can’t go into the Sierra alone. There are people doing it, but it won’t be me. I can ask Karma and Nirvana if I can hike with them, but part of me feels like if we were going to hike together we would already be doing it. I ask anyway. But I also start considering other options. Too snowy to go north. I could go west, maybe, and hike the California Coast Trail, a trail made of mostly road walking.
One thing I know: I am not going home.
But I am also sad, and angry. It hurts to be rejected, and I’m angry because I genuinely think I can do this section if I had a solid group. Not a group to baby me or cut my steps or find every river crossing – but a group I could trust and rely on and who knew they could trust and rely on me. I’m angry because I may not get a chance to see what I am capable of in the Sierra. I’m sad because I really wanted to be part of a trail family. I’m sad because I picked the wrong one. I’m sad because I wasn’t worth waiting for. 
I’m glad, at least, that the vibes I was picking up on were not all in my head. 
I spend the rest of the day trying to pull together information on the coast trail. I call Mark, and my friend Sarah, two people I know would drag me up a mountain if that’s what it took. I wish they were hiking with me. 
I get another night at the hostel. Denied is staying in the same room. I mention my dilemma and he says: you can hike with me. I try to make it clear why I am in the dilemma I am in – I am afraid of heights, I am new to the equipment, I slowed my group down. But he says he’s been wanting to hike with someone and to hike slower. He seems to mean it. So I say, okay. 
Tomorrow I’ll resupply and try to find new shoes and we’ll try to get back to the trail. 

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8 thoughts on “A Risk to Others – Day 68: Zero in Bishop

  1. For what it’s worth…every time I read your posts, I wish I was hiking with you! I think it’s amazing…to take on something so huge and to do it despite it being hard, despite anything that comes up, you go for it and push through your fears. That’s no small thing, and it’s inspiring. Praying for safety for you, for the right group to hike with, and that you find what you’re seeking out there on the trail 🙂 – Court ( a friend of Sheriess’s that you hiked with once in Cottonwood 🙂 )

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Colleen, I tend to be a timid hiker. I’m afraid of heights but I do it anyway. If I get to a point that I can’t or I am not comfortable I will wait for the group. You don’t have that luxury. I’m glad Denied has agreed to hike with you. No more feeling like an outcast. In the end they did you a favor. You will be hiking with a better partner. May God bless you and Denied. I’m looking forward to your next post. Stay positive. You’ve got this. You’ve already done the hardest peak. I believe. One step at a time. You go girl. I’m in awe of you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. You are better off without that group. You don’t need their negative vibes because you hike slower and have a few fears. You are out there hiking the PCT, your way. I’m happy you’ll be hiking with Denied. Cheering for you all the way from Baltimore. You are a thoughtful writer and I look forward to reading your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Just finished this post and it was not easy to read. I am taken aback with the treatment you received. Hopefully will turn out to be a gift for you instead. Reading your next posting now and looking forward to more soon .
    All the best !
    I am a fan!
    Trek on . . . andale.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Yermo. They need to hike their hike. I’m glad I was able to find a trail that I don’t need to rely on other people and it’s been super incredibly gorgeous, too

      Like

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